So here's the deal

I feel strange right now. Not ill. I feel like I wasted a lot of time and didn't think I was wasting time. I thought I was doing things right. I thought my life was going pretty swimmingly, and that I had things pretty much sorted out. I have to really pour myself into projects constantly right now to have any sort of focus. I just keep thinking about how very wrong I was and more about how I had no clue. It's scary to think that the world can shock you so thoroughly at moments in your life. It makes me not want to leave my house. Of course, I'm not the type to become a hermit over one little scare, but I just spent the past five months thinking part of my life made perfect sense and was right, and that part of my life was apparently completely wrong. It's mostly frustrating because while that's ended/changed/whatever its become, I still see how it DID make perfect sense and how it WAS right. So why'd that stop? Why'd it suddenly become a waste? I don't really know, nor can I know, and I hate that it's not something I can go to the library and just figure out. It's something I have to be okay with not understanding, because I had no control over it and I will not get an answer. The worst part is, I simply do not want to trust anyone now. That's not a way to live. That's not a way for ME to live. I think of myself as open and friendly. I write. I share my soul. It's what I want to do with my life. How am I supposed to do that if I cannot just trust?

In the past week I have written five songs, written six scenes, cooked way too much, read ferociously, and created a frenzy of self-promotion. If I stop doing anything I just get caught up in my head and feel like my brain will explode trying to find answers. They aren't there. I need to stop looking and stop caring. Really, if this is how things turned out, then what I thought I had is not worth hoping for. I know this is all vague and almost nonsensical, but I'm writing for me. I guess I'm just telling myself that it's okay to not know why things changed and that it's not my fault. I'm not a bad person. I will keep doing the things I love and they will be comforting, like they have been all week really, and I will move forward and just be me again. I miss being me, but I'll be back any day now, I think.