Day 12

This has been simpler than I feared. I just put my foot down. I had a party on Friday, and nothing happened then that I couldn't handle, so I don't see it being too much for me to make it through the year. They say the first three days of anything are the hardest.

Though I've probably made things harder for myself by joining the personals on the Onion's website. Eek. I set up a profile and have gotten a couple of emails from guys in Brooklyn. They seem nice enough, and what's the harm in going on a date? I haven't done a lot of just dating, and it might be nice to try it out. Kinda wish my therapist was in town this week so I could get her opinion on this, but I suppose I can make decisions by myself.

This year is supposed to be about bettering myself, and I think that practicing the art of dating couldn't hurt, just as long as I know that I'm focusing on becoming a better me and not hunting down a boyfriend or whatnot. That's not what all of this should be about.

About that party... Hudson, Stefanie, and I threw a luau, and it was a lot of fun! Grass skirts and leis and Hawaiian food. You know the type of thing. Only two people from school showed up, but lots of other people came, and it was nice to have a crowd and some fun in the yard.

Finished a couple more library books - World War Z and The Tao of Pooh. I enjoyed the both, and I've moved on to World Without End and Sex and the City. I'm liking both, which shocks me a little. I figured I'd like World Without End since I enjoyed the Pillars of the Earth, which is the precursor to World Without End, but I'm pretty shocked at how Sex and the City reads. It's very cold and factual feeling, and I like it. Like a nature guide on dating.

Right. Well, I'm at my office and should probably do some work or something. ;-) Tin Pan Alley Rag opens a week from today!

Day 4

Days 2 and 3 were successes. They were also fun. Maybe this year will be easier than I fear.

I woke up early on Saturday and dragged myself up to East 100th Street in Central Park to cheer for my friends in the Pride Run. They ran 5 miles and finished in 44 minutes. I'm highly impressed. We then went out for brunch on the Upper West Side at a cute little place called Cafe Ronda. Afterwards I strolled down to my friend Victoria's, and we sat on her balcony and read for a bit before I had to get to my internship for the day. It was the first day in ages that had some actual sunshine, so it was nice to spend part of it in Central Park and part of it on a sunny balcony.

My internship annoyed me a bit. There are two interns, and Saturday was my day to be "on." So I arrived at the theatre when the playwright said that I should, and I watched the first half of the show. At intermission, I couldn't find the playwright anywhere. He'd neglected to tell me there was a meeting during the show in the basement. By the time I found him down there, he had called in the other intern. No clue why he wouldn't have called or emailed me. Made me feel pretty useless though. I do not enjoy my internship, and I don't think I've learned a whole heck of a lot from it other than there are always at least two people in every theatrical situation who will try to make you feel small. I'd had my suspicions about this before.

Sunday was a better day. More sunshine and heat, no internship, and more time out and about enjoying the city and my friends. Dan, Robert, Hudson, Victoria, and I went to the Pride March and watched the parade pass through the Village. We brought the dog along, though I think the day was a little loud for his tastes. He looked like he was having a blast for the majority of the day though, and lord knows he needed the exercise. After the parade, and after getting this terrific sunburn, we went to eat at a Mexican restaurant in Chelsea. The food was delicious, but when Hudson and I got home we were both still hungry, so we ordered a pizza. Then we watched Orlando, which I'd checked out from the library. I was pretty bored for the whole thing, but at least we watched it and got it checked off our "to see" list.

This morning I got up early and did dishes and cleaned the kitchen a bit. I boiled some eggs and made toast, too. Then I went to the library to return Orlando and to pick up some books that had come in off my request list. They're huge, and I don't think I'll finish them before they have to be returned or renewed! I got World Without End, which is the sequel to a book called Pillars of the Earth, which I read last fall. I also got a collection of P.G. Wodehouse works and The Tao of Pooh, which I started reading at Double H three years ago and never finished. I am in the middle of reading World War Z right now though, and I also have Everything Was Possible checked out at the moment. Hopefully I'll finish World War Z in the next two days and can return it. Then I'll start in on Everything Was Possible since it's due the soonest, but I might read Tao of Pooh at the same time since it's rather short. I'm loving the library so much, and it feels great to be taking time out to just read again. I haven't done this in ages. However, I am falling behind on my writing, so I can't get to comfy. I need to find a nice balance. I also need to start getting up earlier! That should make a big difference.

Tonight I'm going out with friends to a bar in the Lower East Side. Apparently they serve $5 all-you-can-eat barbecue. It should be nice to see people from school and to be out on the town, but I'm a little worried about spending money and also not using the time to get work done. I'm supposed to make a calendar of daytime events taking place next week for the playwright I'm interning for. Seems a little silly, but I'll do it and I'll do it well.

Time for lunch.

Day 1

Okay. I attempted this before and failed miserably, but after yet another guy has stated that while he can sleep with me, he cannot be in a relationship with me, I've had it. It's time for attempt number 2 at the self-imposed year of celibacy. Some space with just myself and my friends sounds better than wasting more time chasing after some man who will most likely have commitment issues. I'm not saying that all the men I've dated are evil. In fact, I've liked all of them. I hope to stay friends with most of them. That said, I'm ready to be in a long term relationship, but if no one else is, I'm not going to get into these short-lived messes anymore.

So.
My gameplan is to spend a full 12 months focusing on improving my day to day life, my writing, my health, my home, and my relationships with my friends. I'm going to get back out and start enjoying my city more fully. I'm going to do things that make me excited and happy. I'm going learn something new.

Today is day 1, and right this second I sitting with a friend, writing, and eating chocolate. These are all good things.

Wish me luck

feelin groovy

I feel so much better this week than I did last week. I've been seeing a therapist at my university, and she's getting me to talk through a lot of things that I tend to just bottle up. I've been keeping busy, and I think that helps, but I've also not been stressing about the things I have to do. At least, I'm trying not to. I've been diagnosed with anticipatory anxiety, which means I get stressed out thinking about things that haven't happened. My therapist says it's frequently tied to perfectionism, which does not shock me in the least bit. What ifs and deadlines, etc. So anyway, I googled anticipatory anxiety and found TONS of websites on it. Apparently it's not all that uncommon, which is reassuring. Several websites also contained tips on how to deal with it. I told the therapist I'd made a little card with tips on it to carry in my wallet, and she said that sounded like a great idea. Basically it just says to remember that panic is a normal emotion and a temporary one and that "what if"s cannot hurt me. Seems so simple, but it really does seem to make a difference. I've also been exercising again and pouring myself into reading. Who doesn't feel better with a good book?

Speaking of books, I'm loving being a member of the Brooklyn Public Library. You can request books, CDs, and DVDs online and they'll be delivered to your local branch and held there for you. How cool and convenient is that?? My friend Gil and I just decided today that we're going to have a book club as well. We're only going to read books and plays that are set in NYC, and we're starting with Breakfast at Tiffany's, which I've always meant to read but have never gotten around to. I'm very excited about it and hope that it lasts for a while.

Okay, back to work.
xo,
b

100th Post!!!

I know I said I'd have pictures the next time I posted, but I just can't be bothered to upload from my camera right now.

Anyway, happy 100, Uncharted Territory! I'm charting more clearly lately. Or at least starting down the road to that. I'm doing my internship and working hours at my office (hopefully I'll get more hours this week than I did last week). Just trying to get a regular and full schedule for my life plotted out. I'm proud of the show, and I'm excited about the many things that I'm writing even if they are all just in very very basic stages right now. Creative juices are flowing and I feel artistically fulfilled, which is more than I've been able to say in ages. I'm proud of both my thesis ideas, and I'm quite confident that the outline that we have for one of them is in top-notch shape. We just need to complete the outline for our second proposal, and Brandon and I will have one of our major summer assignments out of the way.

And back to the note of charing... I went to see one of the free Tisch therapists this morning, and we just talked. It was nice to get some baggage off my chest and I was a pretty shocked that not a tear was shed. Maybe I got them all out? Heaven knows I put in some time on them the other night. Anyway, we're meeting again next week, and we will work out a short-term plan and decide if I want to pursue a long-term plan as well. Basically I just don't want to have panic attacks again like I did two summers ago.

Hmm...What have I been up to? Went bowling with a lot of friends recently. Got dinner with another friend. Saw movies with yet another friend. I feel like I'm doing a surprisingly smooth job of staying connected with a TON of people in my life, and I actually feel like a decent friend for once. It takes time, but it's certainly enjoyable.

I joined the Brooklyn Public Library this evening and checked out a movie and a book. You can check out movies. Holy cow! It's pretty great and just that alone makes the BPL better than the NYU libraries. I'm not sure I even want to read the book I checked out, but I felt a strong desire to exercise my right to check it out as soon as I got my card. I've made myself a little list of things I want to check out from the library, and as soon as I get my PIN setup, I'll start reserving things. Very exciting, no?

Right. The 100th post is short. I need some sleep, and I won't get it if I stay up typing. Cheers!

Theatre blog?

I don't update my personal blog very often, huh? I built this massive blog of research materials for this show I'm interning on (The Tin Pan Alley Rag), and I work on Meridian 13 News pretty regularly, but I just don't ever seem to do anything for my own blog. I think it might be because I don't really like sharing details about my own life, but I feel like it's important for me to write daily, and that's the whole reason I started the blog. I'm thinking of making it more of a "theatre" blog in an attempt to get me to write in it more often. I'm not really sure how I would "theatre" blog. Maybe just review the things I see and write more about my attempts to be part of this big Broadway world... Problem is I can't blog about things happening in school in detail. I could be writing about the shows I see and my internship and auditions and festival submissions, etc. I should, really, be doing that I think.

Anyway, if anyone has suggestions for how to make this a better blog, please let me know. I need to take more photographs, that's for sure.

There's no time like the present, right? This morning, on my walk to the Roundabout Theatre rehearsal studios on 45th Street, I passed the Booth Theatre and thought, "why are there so many people lined up for Next To Normal rush tickets?? Surely they don't have this many rush seats. Then I realized it's Saturday, and there are two performances. Then it hit me that I'm involved (even if it is just in a tiny way) with a show, since I was headed to a rehearsal studio at 9:45 on a Saturday morning. It'll probably hit me again on Monday when I have the day off. I'm an intern for the playwright on this show, but that essentially means I'm a dramaturge, which is really enjoyable. I had no idea that verifying facts and doing research could be so fun, but I love it, and I think I should definitely look into dramaturgy as a way to earn money in the theatre while I'm writing and auditioning. I don't really know how one gets jobs as a dramaturge though. Google, here I come, I guess.

Anyway, next post will have photographs. Promise. Back to rehearsal.

FINALLY!

I'm feeling much much better about Period Piece. I mean, why am I doubting it? It's got witchcraft, a non-traditional family, and menstruation. How could a musical with all that fail?

I am thinking that all the Meridian 13 News blogging has had a bad effect on my personal blogging. I don't update this nearly as often as I used to, and I think that it's because I'm spending so much time working on the other one. That said, I still love the other one and am immensely proud of it and the podcast. We record episode four on Thursday and it will be up on the blog and our website (check it out!) on Saturday. I've been working on the website a lot lately, and I have to say that iWeb and mobile me are amazing. I'm obsessed and think that the accounts are totally worth the annual fee. Thinking of redoing my personal website with some mobile me/iWeb goodness.

My one act musical Period Piece goes up next week. I think I finished the script. Just a couple more lyrics need to be set to music, and the whole thing will be done. I wish we had more time to rewrite it though. We've rewritten a lot of stuff as we've gone along, but I'm a big fan of rewriting and want to tweak things endlessly. It'll be weird to hand it off to a music director and actors a week from today and not be able to change it anymore (since we only have a day and a half of rehearsal).

And then it's summertime. Summer is my favorite season. I love the heat. I love how aware of myself I am in the summer. Everything smells stronger. I sweat. I feel the sun more. New York makes music in the summer because it's too hot not to make music. It's a great time of year. I'm also just looking forward to writing and working on projects outside of school, as well as just working a job again for a little while. Things that aren't school. Figuring out the whole staying involved in theatre after grad school thing. Summer will help me sort that out. Hopefully through my internship I can find a job job for the rest of the summer after that wraps up.

Gah! The time! I have to go watch a thesis now, which I'm excited about, but really quickly, how does one become a member of Soho House? Wants it!

It's another hot day in NYC. Love this weather so much. It's a shame that during the majority of these warm days, I've been locked down in the basement of my school writing my twenty minute musical. I'm now a little worried that we have way too much material though. Starting to feel like a 45-minute musical. I have got to stop getting stressed though. I know it's normal to feel some stress over schoolwork, but I go nuts thinking about things beyond my control, and then when I stress a little bit about schoolwork everything falls to pieces and I get tension headaches and panic attacks again. Really can't have that happen anymore.

I went to the gym this morning and ran. It was nice to sweat again. To have that release. I miss running. I haven't really been running since I ended my Y membership back in September. It was sad to see how little I could do. I lasted a half an hour and did three miles. That's so little compared to how much I used to run. I'm going back again tomorrow to do more. I'll have to go early though since I'm seeing one of the thesis presentations and finishing this twenty minute musical tomorrow. Running used to confuse me to no end. I didn't know what people saw in it. Now it makes sense to me. It's like I'm an animal hunting my next meal when I run. It's something very deep in me that has to be done. It's an urge. I can't believe I went without it for so long.

My twenty-minute musical is presented a week from Thursday. It's weird to think that after the 7th, I have nothing until my internship starts up. There's so much I can sort out between the two. I can work a few days, first and foremost. I need to earn some ciz-ash over the summer if I don't want to starve. I can also finally paint the rest of my bedroom and hang those frames. That should be fun to do, too. Keep busy!!!!! Must keep busy!!!

Craving summer

Yesterday was so gorgeous. It's making me crazy for summer. Today wasn't as warm, but Hudson did some work in the backyard, and I cooked burgers on the grill. I liked the smell of the charcoal and I liked how the yard looked in bright sunlight. Our pear tree is flowering. The whole time in the yard was nice. I am ready for more of that, though tomorrow is supposed to be cooler and rainy.

I think to distract myself from the rain and the cold tomorrow, I will start my day with a yoga class before I go to school to work. There's a lot to do this week. I need to try to finish a full draft of my twenty minute, I have to write my collaboration document, go to the bank, and spend some time figuring out Final Draft more thoroughly. Also need to write some letters. I've really let the letter-writing slide, and I should pick it back up again.

Battery's dying. I'll write more later.

Anyway, yoga yoga yoga! I'm very ready to get some stress relief.